david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
