the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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