this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
