Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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