We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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