I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Randomize
