Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
