Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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