i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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