If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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