I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
