For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
