she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
