From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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