you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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