My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
