I'm so fucking centered right now
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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