I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
