I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Maybe he injected his testicle?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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