I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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