Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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