Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
