She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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