im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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