I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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