I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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