I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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