i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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