4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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