when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
