Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
