she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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