You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
