I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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