i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the condom got lost in my hair
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
