I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We just shotgunned beers for America
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
