so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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