I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
