I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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