It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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