The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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