why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
