My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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