I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
