what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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