You just made me feel so damn special
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
