things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
