Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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