tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
