Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
