The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
