I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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