I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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