Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
