I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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