you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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