I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
