She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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