i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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