I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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